My next door neighbout is selling his house and I went round, sadly, to give him back his keys we had kept for him. I said, "Peter, I am so sad to render up to you your keys." He answered, "Render up to Kyeser that which is Keysers." I bet you kids don't get that joke but your parents might. I was most impressed with his knowledge of the Bible! Dave the caretaker told me this one: Bloke went into a shop and said, "Have you got a windscreen wiper for a Skoda Octavia?" Chap answered, "Yes, that'd be a good swop." (Dave is only jealous cos he knows I've got an Octavia. And of course Skodas are no longer figures of fun: they are just Volkswagens with more Bohemian tastes.) Did you know: 'Skoda' means 'pity' in Czech. Fact! http://desiderius.wordpress.com/2007/03/30/pity-for-czech-people/ Here's one from Frank: A jesuit said, "Never ever smoke while you are praying. But you can pray while you are smoking!" 15.2.06 A dyslexic man walks into a bra Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive” Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?” “Doctor, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home” “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome”. “Is it common?” “It’s not unusual” A man takes his dog to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up, examines his eyes, and checks his teeth. Finally he says, “I’m going to have to put him down” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy” All these last ones thanks to Tilly's mum. An Englishman, a Frenchman and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals whilst exploring in the jungle. They are brought before the chief, and he tells them: " We are going to kill you, and use your skins to make canoes. However, since you will be helping us out, you get to choose how to die." So, the Englishman asks for a gun, says his prayers, and blows his brains out. The Frenchman asks for poison, swallows it, and dies, and the New Yorker takes a fork, and starts stabbing himself. The chief asks him, "What are you doing?!" and the man replies: "So much for your damn canoe!" From Caitlin Having reminded my son it was Mother's Day and after breakfast, I said to him and my husband, "I'm cooking fish tonight. Is that OK with you two?" My son replied, "It's Mother's Day. You can cook us whatever you like!" Perfect Man and Perfect woman go for a drive in a car and pick up Santa Claus who asks for a lift. They have an accident and one of them dies. who is it? Answer: The Perfect Woman because everyone knows that Santa and the Perfect man DON'T EXIST. Woman goes to the laundrette for a service wash. When it comes back it's got brown stains on it. She puts a note in with it next time saying, 'Use more soap powder.' Second lot comes back with a note saying, 'Use more soap!' It took me ages to do this jigsaw. I took 2 hours! Still that was better than it said on the box. It said "3 to 4 years". Q. What's the difference between a soldier and a fireman? A. You can't dip a fireman in your egg. (from Alicia Upton, whose ok at boarding school but missing us all too.) Here's my version of the joke (and I am allowed to make jokes about the French because my beloved sister and her family is French!!) What's the difference between a Frenchman and a piece of toast? You can make soldiers out of toast. (My auntie gave me this.) What's a good name for a cleaning firm: Mister Bit. (Frankie. What would he know about cleaning anything? He misses a lot.) What is the difference between outlaws and inlaws? Outlaws are wanted. (Frank, my husband!!) What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care! (Another from Frank) What does the queen drink for breakfast? Royalty. Where does Saddam keep his CDs? In a rack. A man walks into a bar one day and says: "If I get my dog to talk mate, then would you buy me a drink?" The other man says, "Yes, but if he don't I get to kick you out." "Okay dog, listen up. What's the thing on top of a house?" says the man. "Roof, roof." "Well any dog can bark get out!" "No wait, one more question. Dog, what does sand paper feel like?" "Ruff, ruff." "That's it, get out." So the man throws them out, when the dog gets up and says: "So was the answer smooth then?" (Hannah 8CL) Man : Waiter, waiter what is this fly doing in my soup? Waiter: You said you wanted the one stop, fly-by special!!(Ayesha 8CL) Doctor, doctor I keep seeing cows. Well have you seen a psychiatrist? No just cows!!! (Hmmm well Hannah thinks it's funny) What do you call a blind pig? Pg because it lost its eye!!!! (Thanks Christianah) A blond wants to go to Florida. She's going along the road and a sign says, "Florida - left", so she goes home. (Fiona) Three Guys Go to Heaven Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter. "So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "None. I had a perfect marriage." "Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "Only twice, I think," says the second guy. "Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy. "Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford." Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercdes crying. "What's wrong?" "I just saw my wife." "So?" "She was riding a skateboard." (Soma) Stephen Spielberg was in talks with some of Hollywood's finest Actors about a new film about Classical Composers. Tom Cruise said, "I'll be Mozart." Mel Gibson said, "I'll be Beethoven". Bruce Willis agreed to be Chopin and Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be Bach." What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP? > Anyone can roast beef. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE? > Because it scares the hell out of the dog. Ha, ha!! What do you call a Frenchman who wears sandals? Phillipe Phillope!! (from Hester!) I don't want to join in with this new European money. We won't be able to spend a penny any more. We'll have to euronate!!! (from Rene) A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?" The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!" The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!" (from Soma) A panda walks into a pub, orders a hot dog and eats it. Then he draws a gun, shoots a customer and leaves. Barman:- you can't eat my food, shoot my customers and then leave. Panda:- Oh yes I can. For proof, look up panda in a dictionary. So the barman looked up the word panda in a dictionary. "Panda, a bear like creature, eats shoots and leaves." (Fabian) Two aerials met on a roof - fell in love - got married. The wedding was rubbish but the reception was brilliant! There's this little boy badgering the bus driver. "If my mummy was a cow and my daddy was a bull, I'd be a little calf." And, "If my mummy was a sheep and my daddy was a ram I'd be a little lamb." The bus driver got fed up with him and said, "If your mummy was a thief and your daddy was a murderer, what would you be?" He said, "I'd be a bus driver!" (Soma) Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs! (Soma) A man walked into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm. "Two beers," he said, "one for me and one for the road." (Liz) A man walked into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm, green tarmac, and asked for 2 beers. "I'm not serving him," said the barman looking at the roll in a really scared way, "he's a psychlepath!" Why did the woman cross the road? I don't know. What was she doing out of the kitchen? A patient needed a new brain and the doctor asked the relatives which they could afford, as a male brain cost twice as much as a female brain. "Why is this?" a smug man asked. The answer came. "Well you see we can't ask as much for the female brain because it's been used." (These 2 jokes have been added by my boffin mate!!) An aspiring English opera singer felt he was very honoured when he was invited to perform at La Scala in Milan. After performing some great solo from Italian opera, he was greeted with rapturous applause and shouts of "encore". He delivered an encore and the response was, if anything, even more enthusiastic. So he gave another encore. This happened a few more times. Eventually, he stepped to the footlights and said "I am deeply touched by your appreciation but my throat is getting sore. May I stop please?" A voice from the front row of the stalls replied, slowly and clearly (and do the Italian accent yourself) "you will do it until you get it right". (That is a bit like how I felt having to deliver ten performances in five nights with the Players of St Peter. http://posp.org.uk/2008prog.htm ) An angel came to the Virgin Mary and told her that she was going to conceive and bear "Goddes Son". When Mary told people about this they were justifiably incredulous. She told them: "I am sure he was an archangel but it was a bit strange: he said his name was Gabriel but all his clothes were labelled Saint Michael".